Houston

So the great adventure pressed on from New Orleans to Houston.  We had the amazing pleasure of staying with an old roommate of Katie and mine from college, Erica.  Unfortunately we lost touch with Erica over the years as life just "got in the way"...so I was super excited to drive to her home but also quite nervous about seeing her again after really no communication these many years later.  The last time we spoke to her I'm fairly certain Katie and I were still quite uncomfortable with the definition of "our relationship" so needless to say MUCH had changed really in both of our lives since we last met eyes.  Regardless of time and life and all the change both of us had endured it was wonderful to hang out and catch up...to meet her family and be in her life.  While there are people you will drift from (seasons of friendship) so to speak... it's always nice to know you can take a trip back to your roots...if you are so willing...and learn and grow and be changed...I loved seeing my friend and knowing she was so happy.  I loved walking down memory lane, being reminded of things I had forgotten...AND to top it all off I got to eat DOVE..uh yeah the bird of peace..that dove...for the first time (tastes like chicken if you were wondering).  It was a wonderful stop on the great adventure and I can not thank you enough Glen and Erica for being willing to host my family along our journey...

Raymond

picture by Aiden...of Raymond and Karen

While in New Orleans I received a message via facebook from Raymond, someone I did not know  (had no idea who he was) that basically said hey if you're ever passing through I would really love to meet you.  Now..I'm a small young female traveling the country with 2 young boys... I didn't know Raymond at all and while I appreciate the offer from ANYONE I sat on the email and truthfully thought about how I could politely decline.  A couple of days went by and as I was leaving New Orleans en route to Houston, TX (in the night no less) I passed a sign saying the town Raymond  lived in was around 70 miles and thought oh crud...never emailed him back...SO I pulled out my phone and started typing the nicest decline I could muster up.  I received a response from Raymond about 35ish minutes later...which basically explained he was a fan of Katie's...but the part that hit me...in the face and gut was the following:

Katie meant a lot to me on many levels. I was very upset when she passed away. I think God may have been looking out for me and "prepped" me for a loss as I had to experience one much greater than that of Katie (whom I had never met) but was a fan....my twelve year old son passed away on January 30 after becoming ill in June. 

This was February 25th...not even a month after this man lost his son.  In my gut I knew I should call him...now only 10 miles away.  So I did...and thankfully Raymond guided me to a nearby McDonalds (for the kids sake and ours) where we met one another...shared our medical trauma stories...exchanged stories about our grief, but basically just related to one another...and had a very real, very human interaction.  It is everything I wanted the great adventure...it is a moment in my life..simple as it may seem which I will always cherish and never soon forget.  There is something so magical about sharing yourself with another...about interacting in a real way...if even for a moment.  So while it may have been a risky thing to meet a stranger at night...I knew in my guts it was the right thing to do..so I took a risk..and yet again it paid off.  

Thank you Raymond for being so bold and reaching out to me...I'm not sure how you carry on in this life with the burden of a loss of a child...but you inspired me on that night to continue to carry on with my head held high!  

Mardi Gras...and New Orleans

So I'm doing my best to CATCH up for the love of all that is good in this world..and there's soo much to catch up on..so bear with me...I want to just post a couple of blogs about things we've done since I last talked about the trip...because I get asked all the time..and because I in re-reading past things I've written I realize just how much I forget about things we actually do in each wonderful city we've visited..and I can NOT lose these memories...SO HERE WE GO.  

Here's where I left off...in New Orleans....YES I took the boys to Mardi Gras!  No I am not crazy.  I did a lot of looking into it..and if you steer clear of the crazy party streets Mardi Gras is SUPER DUPER family friendly...I mean lets think about it...tons and tons and tons of floats throwing beads and candy and toys...what kid wouldn't think this is the greatest thing on the PLANET..my boys were baffled..but totally dug it.  We had a great time getting to know our fellow mardi gra participants..it was amazing and the boys had a tremendous time.  We also totally lucked out..on the day of Mardi Gras we were walking about a side street..and it turned out said side street was where the floats went to park.  It was just me and the boys on this street...and the floats UNLOADED anything they had left onto our lone selves there..Aiden exclaimed WE ARE THE LUCKIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH!  It was hysterical...we enjoyed meeting the King of Mardi Gras and seeing all the floats and people up close and personal!

Our trip wasn't entirely about Mardi Gras...we had to go to Cafe Du Monde!!!  The birthplace of coffee in the U.S.  or at least legend says it as such...it's a sort of mecca for a fellow coffee devotee such as myself so I had to make my pilgrimage...pay my respects.  We blew powdered sugar all over each other..ON PURPOSE of course..got ugly stares from some..laughter from others..but we had fun and ate well so what more can you ask for!?

A fun pic of Aiden enjoying the streets of New Orleans

Aiden happy with his Mardi Gras beads...Ko just enjoying being alive :D

Songs

Damn I tell you what...today I was driving in Tucson listening to a really great radio station play their acoustic Sunday morning show...and whamo I was smacked in the face with the song "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman.  I hadn't heard this song in some time and it flooded my head, heart, and then inevitably my lap with tears which just came without regard to any circumstance...like the fact that A.  I had the children clamoring in the backseat and B.  I was about to reach a check point to enter an air force base where I was going to meet Katie's dad...here are the thoughts that rushed through my brain...HELLO security guard, don't you want to let this tear drenched, red eyed, snot nose lunatic on your base?  Nevermind me I'm just suddenly mourning the loss of my wife...oh right don't ask don't tell...this certainly would make for an interesting story...ANYWAY..back to the song.

This one took me waaaay back....to a time when Kate and my relationship was just beginning.  This CD titled "New Beginning"  (oddly ironic considering the circumstance) was consistently on the play list during that time and what a scary, wonderful, mind blowing time it was...  Isn't it funny how one song can just INSTANTLY take you back to whatever significant time period you once found it...music is power and I've never doubted it...but wow I was right there...sitting again in Katie's black Toyota Tacoma pick up truck...us wearing our matching blue Abercrombie and Fitch hats...feeling all full of emotion and nerves, feeling like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest...because I was walking down a road I had never DARED even consider...and doing so with one of my best high school friends, which was even more random...feeling like I was going to burn in hell for eternity but being so wrapped up in the beauty of the emotion to even care.  There was Tracy Chapman, signing along to our fears and desires...and there was beautiful Katie holding my hand, singing along...harmonizing like only Katie Reider could, "your warm embrace"...oh I could hear her...I could hear her voice today...there became parts of many different songs where she just sang it so perfectly and I would squeeze her hand and we would smile to ourselves...she knew it meant I loved it so she would sing louder but with a big smile and we'd laugh...so I was transported today to THAT time when life was so flipping scary but it was amazing because we were falling in love...

Then I came flooding back to the now, another "new beginning", one less warm and fuzzy...and I could hear her harmony part during the chorus, and oh how I longed to be holding her hand, laughing at her obliging to my request to hear her sing it louder.  Good grief these are the moments you just can not anticipate when you feel like more than just the rug is pulled out from underneath you...these moments can cause the tears to come like water broken from the dam.   

Ironic even more are the words of the song...I don't know why I never realized it before...I suppose when you're falling in love you can turn any song into something grand...but this is a really sad song seemingly about loss of some sort...and the words just resonated to the core of my soul..and it meant something entirely different today...it was my heart song..I WAS "remembering her touch, her kiss, her warm embrace...Tracy Chapman goes on to sing "Oh I've longed for you, and I have desired...to see your face, your smile...to be with you, wherever you are"  COME ON!??  I could go on and on with these lyrics and what they mean but holy crow I don't have the emotional energy...point being, it is a good song and at least I had the moment if even brief of being transported to happier times...and memories I had locked away some where.....Like I said..music is power that's for sure.

This picture just summed it all up for me perfectly.  Sometimes there just aren't words to describe the way you feel.  Most times...this is the way Joy feels for me...sometimes it just sneaks up on you in the most unexpected places or times.  Being aware enough to spot it...even though it may not be as beautiful or awe-inspiring as you had hoped..that's what I'm learning to do.

Nearly 2 Weeks?!

Wow time flies when you're traveling a ton!  I can not believe it has been nearly two weeks since I last posted anything!  So geesh we've done lots of moving since I last wrote...we camped in Key West for a couple of nights picture at left.  I have only camped with Aiden NEVER with Koen and NEVER alone...so to say I was worried is a HUGE understatement.  In true Aiden and Koen fashion they exceeded my expectations as they love LOVED camping.  No issues, any potential crisis I had anticipated were averted.  PHEW.  It was great to enjoy the sites of beautiful Key West.  Somewhat bitter sweet as Katie and I took our Honeymoon here over 5 years ago.  It was more bizarre than painful for me to be there in this fashion and I don't know if I can clearly explain it.   I think maybe I was just stunned to be back here knowing the dreams we had once spoken about in these places had only partially come true.  It allowed me some interesting reflection and at times made angry but Key West is so beautiful and wildly creative I found the anger dissipate as I walked about.  Interesting for me to say the least. 

We then moved on to Miami, but before that stopped by the everglades which was a fascinating thing to see.  The wildlife in this part of the country is just spectacular and vast.  Most interesting for the boys and me were all the alligators roaming about...even some right on the trail less than a foot away.  Nothing like seeing wildlife thrive in it's natural environment...what a pleasure.  

While on this trip I've resounded to stretch myself in many different ways.  I desire to meet people of all walks of life who really know how to live...just really get it...more importantly for me, people who have found themselves faced with adverse situations and really risen above.  I was blessed to be able to stay with a family who are friends with my friend Robert.  I have never spoken to them before (which was a stretch for me), but after having stayed with them for just 24 hours I left feeling SO enriched I learned so much being in their midst.  This family has a 12 year old son who is autistic, he does not speak but he does not need to...to be in his presence was spectacular.  I loved watching my children interact with him to learn about something different and embrace it instead of fear it.   I myself just watched him and learned... joy literally pouring out of him, when he was happy you knew...leaping in a beautiful way, yelling out with no pretense of what is the appropriate volume he was the epitomy of someone who is real, transparent, and vulnerable.  More impressive are his parents, there just are not words that can describe people of this calibre.  They are huge advocates for autism, speaking at conferences helping others come to grips and embrace this life.  They embrace, love and learn from their son in incredible ways.  I think what I will remember the most is a conversation we had where I was speaking of how much I struggled with strangers staring at Katie as she was frail and broken physically.  I often found myself trying to catch the eye of every person that walked by so they would know I was watching them...in my mind it prevented them from looking at her, it was my way to protect her, but it was maddening for me.  I was telling this story to someone who is all too familiar with the glances of wonder from strangers everywhere she goes.  Her response was, I am so lucky and blessed that everyday, everywhere I go I get to see people (if even for 30 seconds) remember how fortunate they are with what they have in life.  She was so blessed by the stares of strangers and I found my own perspective shift.  Geesh...I could go on and on for hours about the amazing attitude of this family I just have to say I was changed and blessed to have crossed paths with such quality people.  If everyone in the world had this type of outlook we could move mountains!

So the great adventure moved forward, I was lucky enough to spend a day with an old co-worker and his beautiful family in Coral Springs, it was great to just sit back as our children entertained one another...I needed that break from the craziness of parenting.  We then pressed on to St. Petersburg where we spent a couple of days with my friends Stuart and Troy.  I must say if my boys turn out to be even 1/2 as loving and compassionate as these two I will have done something right by the world...it was great to spend time together and really get to know one another better.  It seems each place we go I just fall in love with everyone we stay with more and more.  I am just amazed by the kindness, the hospitality, the love that people shower on us.  It is amazing, I am grateful beyond words.  FINALLY we've spent the last couple of days in Panama City Beach just relaxing and enjoying the sights.  We will leave Florida tomorrow morning en route to New Orleans.  I am excited to move on to places of this great country I have never laid eyes on before.  Good things to come, we continually grow as we challenge ourselves on this journey.

"Becoming" is my favorite word

I love the word becoming, I always have....I'm thinking maybe I should get this word tattood somewhere on my person...(sorry mom).  Isn't it funny that this word has THESE two meanings... 1.  To change and grow and 2.  To be pleasing in appearance...I don't think it is  a coincidence at all that this word has both of these meanings behind it...because if in fact we are living a life that grows us and is not stagnant...be it hard to be stretched in certain ways or not...that alone is beautiful..and we will only be MORE beautiful for having "becomed" (I know that's not a real word but it is true right?).  I am becoming more and more everyday and if I am not I need to figure out how to change more to make it so.

I have all sorts of thoughts this evening..and I'll try not to be all over the board..(with heavy emphasis on TRY)..so I'm just going to spat out my thoughts..and you can pick and choose what makes sense...and then maybe you can try to help me make sense of it.  I certainly feel like I am on a path of "becoming"...this trip has been great...PRECISELY, exactly, absolutely what my little broken spirit needed.  I love the adventures we've been having, I love that there is NOTHING we HAVE to do on any given day, I call the shots as to our daily activities.  I especially love not having the drama's of everyday life that frustrate and stunt us, and I guess what I mean by that..is when you have SO much change in life, on a very regular basis, there is no time to be wrapped up in the petty spats or insignificant squabbles which seem to sneak in to your life and relationships.  Instead I'm lucky enough to be around different people in different environments and pull the lessons that need to be pulled..and then we move on...it is a freedom I can not rightfully explain but I have come to appreciate the feeling.

This leads me to my next thought...who knows what it is about the conversations I have been absolutely blessed to be having these past months...but wowee people sure have opened up and sometimes I feel just blown away by your own RTV-ness with me.  Some of you far out reach even my own attempts, I believe, and so I thank you SO incredibly much for being willing to put yourself out there...NOT to mention the overwhelming outpouring of all things related to Katie and how she changed you, made you look at things differently, inspired all the very best in you.  It is beyond unfortunate to not have her here anymore, it is a grief and sorrow I will never ever shake, HOWEVER to hear your experiences, the words, the music, the call to action...to see how you manifest your own grief into goodness I truly sometimes do not feel worthy of ALL that I have been privy to these past 6 months...and that is ONLY because people have been so damn RTV and I LOVE IT!  SO I've been wondering lately why it is so that we do not live this way on a regular basis...I find myself asking this question REGULARLY:  Do those that inspire me and move me, do they know indeed just HOW much I love them and am regularly changed by them?  AND IF NOT WHY NOT?  Why do we wait for such travesties in life to share our feelings..why did Katie not get this showering of affection when she was walking amongst us?  What a shame, and so I have resounded to try to be more honest to those I hold dear...it's hard to do sometimes...I'm becoming (there's that word again) better at it...it is a process indeed...

And then after all of this...after all the great travel experiences, and after I am reminded everyday how fantastically wonderful Katie was I'm a left with such sadness...such a feeling that no one on the planet "gets" me like Katie got me...like we got each other...it is a lonliness I have never known, it is uncertainty like I have never known and so again I am becoming.  Trying to sort it all out, where do I belong, because it feels like no place...and so I seek and seek and seek believing at my core that God will make it so painfully obvious if I only remain open and willing to be molded...to which I scream...here I am Lord...make me and mold me because I am open to ANYTHING.  Such odd ups and downs right now.  I'm not saying I don't like it...it just is uncomfortable this gap...but hey at least we are on the greatest journey to find whatever is to be...and for this I KNOW CERTAINLY that I am blessed abundantly to have this opportunity... so I go from there and have hope the next chapter will be revealed when the time is right.