What I least expected

I am beginning to reconcile and reflect over all the things which went down this time last year..and the entire thing is so terribly maddening to me.  This very day one year ago we received the BEST news we thought we would never get.  Throughout the course of Katie's illness we were told over and over again from many doctors that Katie would die from her illness..told that their goal in providing treatment to Katie was not to cure her but to prolong her life with some ounce of quality.  Everytime I was told this I would smile cordially and say that's fine (really wanting to honestly say fuck you, but I'm too nice) I share a different viewpoint, our goal in this is to restore Katie back to full health and you just don't know this person your treating...this is KATIE REIDER for pete's sake..she is no ordinary human being...it is not her time...if you really knew her you would know if anyone could beat this tumor it is her.  ALL along I maintained this belief, to Katie I would say..well you're just getting this out of your system now, the boys are young, they'll never recall you being ill and when we're old we will already have done the life threatening illness thing so we'll have full health to look forward to...so when I received the news from our doctor on Friday June 27th, 2008 that her MRI showed the tumor to be 97% gone.. I was not surprised...this was the hope I had been holding on to all along...it was news I was told to never expect and it was finally here.  I hung up the phone (I was in my office at work), put my head on my desk and wept with pure and joy and exuberance.  SHE WAS BEATING THIS....the whole battle..this whole 2 years was finally turning around...we had made it...we were getting our lives back...these are all the things which rushed through my head and so much more....I immediately lifted my head and wrote (in a seconds time) the last email I would ever write to Katie (as a reference...we called each other beeb):

WE CAN DO THIS BEEB..YOU CAN DO THIS..you've come so far..and FINALLY
we're at a point where we're moving in the direction of getting you
restored..just imagine the good that will come from all of this...just
being able to talk again...to sing again..it's all possible Kate..and it
is all going to happen for you...our lives are going to be given back to
us..and you and I will grow old happily..w/o illness and we'll enjoy our
boys (and who knows maybe even more :D) ....and their children...

My hope in having you...was restored at the news today....and I will be
with you every step of the way...to your full recovery....we will never
be the same...we are forever changed and altered..but when we emerge
from this fire...holy cow..no one...nothing will ever be able to stop
us...

I love you now..I love you always!

What was even better was the VERY next morning we were leaving to go on a family vacation we had been SO excited for..and we had this amazing news to send us off.  Never could I expect or anticipate that we would only have 1 full day to live with this good news before we took the ride to total despair and sorrow...never could I have predicted what would unfold in the next 2 to 16 days...and I suppose this is the nonsense I've tried to make sense of this full year later...I've come to many realizations over this year...mostly that even though her tumor was 97% gone it was not 100% gone and in fact part of that 3% was growing...so this thing indeed was never going to go away just as the doctors maintained and while it seemed cruel and shocking at the time...Katie was certainly spared from more pain and agony with which she had suffered already for far too long.  I write this out..and the events of the coming days this one year later to make even more sense of it in my head...to capture it forever someplace..to shove in my face that we all truly are one phone call from our knees (Matt Kearney lyric which captures the way I feel so perfectly sometimes).  So this is why we live it up...pursue our passions...find what moves us and run with reckless abandon in that direction...because it could be over in 2 days in 10 days...in 20 years...we just don't know...and when my time comes I need to know....in that moment...I've lived my best life possible.

June 7, 2009

Yesterday is what would have been my 6th wedding anniversary....yesterday and today I have found myself painfully missing my wife.  Oh this first year...this first year of life without Katie is tough to say the VERY least.  Of course there is the obvious..all the "firsts" you have to endure...Christmas, Mother's Day, children's birthdays, her birthday...and now I can add anniversary to the list of firsts which have come and gone.  I'm feeling quite fortunate my last "first" is soon approaching..this day...the darkest day in my history...will be a difficult first to endure..so difficult in fact I find the emotions already building up..but I will be so happy to have leaped this last hurdle..turning yet another new unexplored chapter in this business of grief and living...the chapter I think I call..after those first 365.  I don't know what to expect on say..day 367 or 430, but something I've found to be so difficult with this first 365 is I often think about what it was I was doing last year at this time...and to know whether it was good or bad or worse..at the very minimum at this time last year I still knew what it felt like to have Katie's hand in mine...knowing this..at any given point of the first 365..is such an unexpected emotional weight...to know...she was here and now she's not..it's a painful reminder, salt in the wound (so to speak)..so I'm looking forward to the "after those first 365" days...one because again the "first hurdles" will all have been jumped, never to be jumped again..but more importantly...or maybe most importantly I'll know that say on June 7, 2010 when I say "what was I doing this time last year"...the answer can be..I was living..I rose above..I drank all life had to offer..I saw and was changed by the unexpected... I met new people who taught be amazing lessons all of which I could have lost had I not been willing to take the risk..I raised my children, loved them endlessly, showed them many things I had never even seen.  I engaged life, I laughed so hard I cried...I cried so hard I laughed...I was not conquered by my greatest fear but looked fear directly in the eyes and chose hope.  

 I've said so many times before we can not choose the situations which will happen to us in life...life has many plans for us we may not like..but the only logical choice regardless of the circumstance is hope..and living our best life possible...so I continue on...writing this chapter in my newest adventure.

noretakes.com is UP AND RUNNING check it out!

Wow!  Did I ever think I would have a website of my very own...certainly not...what an exciting thing.  

The super talented and ever wonderful Adam George of Ample (http://www.helloample.com) created the design and flow of the noretakes site.  Basically all written blogs, video blogs, and photos can be found in one place.  ALONG with links to all of Katie's music.  Thank you Adam for making a beautiful site I'm happy to call my own.

Kiersten Turos (http://www.k2dsquared.com/who has created nearly every single Katie Reider website worked so hard to get this thing off the ground...Kiersten you have ALWAYS risen ABOVE for Katie and now me...there are no words...there is no amount of compensation..for all your efforst over the years... The amount of adoration I have for you and all the hard work you've put in for my family over the years....geesh...you are truly one of the most CARING, SELFLESS, LOVING people I have ever had the great pleasure of knowing.  I feel so very blessed to have you as a friend...I just can't even tell you. 

Robert Parish...the man who makes the videos...who sees the story from the countless hours of video I send to him and works his magic.  Robert if it were not for you and your encouragement there would be no videos...and these have come to mean so much to me...be so healing for me..so I thank you in ways I could have never anticipated for walking with me on this journey in such a fun and meaningful way.

And to Lauren Fernandes who has supported my family and listened to me...stretched me and encouraged me in so many ways...you've worked tirelessly for Katie and her story and you have not received nearly the credit you so deserve.

This is really such an amazing outlet for me to explore and grow...you can not...NOT choose the circumstances which will befall you in life..however you can choose how you will respond in any and every situation...Life affords us NO RETAKES...so we have to live for each moment..making it the very best and very most it was destined to be.  We just have no idea...when our time or moment will end...for Katie and my family it was seemingly overnight that things went from blissfully perfect to our darkest hour.  Never ever did I think this disease would conquer Katie...take her from me....I was her greatest believer, cheering her on through every unbelievable horror.  The entire battle with this disease was the hardest thing I have ever endured...when she died it was so unexpected so unbelievable...I walked in a fog and daze for many months after...however what I knew once I emerged is that I was left here for a reason.  Blessed with a love and a life and now 2 more lives entrusted to me...I choose hope, I choose rich experiences, I choose the pursuit of happiness, I choose taking risks and trusting God.  I choose growth over despair because I know far too well how precious life is.  I choose to be open to any and everything life has to offer...to be real, transparent, and vulnerable in all of my interactions...never shying away from telling my story to whoever will listen.  It is my hope that having encountered this story in whatever capacity you know it....you will think differently about your own life and how you can live it better...if even for 5 minutes.  OR that you will give thanks and appreciate and love what you have you have in your life and appreciate it in a deeper way...because it is not the things we own, job we have, car we drive that we will take with us when it is all said and done..it is the people we loved, the memories we shared and the experiences we created for ourselves.....so create your best life...one you never imagined or dream of...and share it with me because I love your stories...they are fuel to my soul.  Press on...again knowing this is our only and best life...and we will be afforded NO RETAKES!!

Houston

So the great adventure pressed on from New Orleans to Houston.  We had the amazing pleasure of staying with an old roommate of Katie and mine from college, Erica.  Unfortunately we lost touch with Erica over the years as life just "got in the way"...so I was super excited to drive to her home but also quite nervous about seeing her again after really no communication these many years later.  The last time we spoke to her I'm fairly certain Katie and I were still quite uncomfortable with the definition of "our relationship" so needless to say MUCH had changed really in both of our lives since we last met eyes.  Regardless of time and life and all the change both of us had endured it was wonderful to hang out and catch up...to meet her family and be in her life.  While there are people you will drift from (seasons of friendship) so to speak... it's always nice to know you can take a trip back to your roots...if you are so willing...and learn and grow and be changed...I loved seeing my friend and knowing she was so happy.  I loved walking down memory lane, being reminded of things I had forgotten...AND to top it all off I got to eat DOVE..uh yeah the bird of peace..that dove...for the first time (tastes like chicken if you were wondering).  It was a wonderful stop on the great adventure and I can not thank you enough Glen and Erica for being willing to host my family along our journey...

Raymond

picture by Aiden...of Raymond and Karen

While in New Orleans I received a message via facebook from Raymond, someone I did not know  (had no idea who he was) that basically said hey if you're ever passing through I would really love to meet you.  Now..I'm a small young female traveling the country with 2 young boys... I didn't know Raymond at all and while I appreciate the offer from ANYONE I sat on the email and truthfully thought about how I could politely decline.  A couple of days went by and as I was leaving New Orleans en route to Houston, TX (in the night no less) I passed a sign saying the town Raymond  lived in was around 70 miles and thought oh crud...never emailed him back...SO I pulled out my phone and started typing the nicest decline I could muster up.  I received a response from Raymond about 35ish minutes later...which basically explained he was a fan of Katie's...but the part that hit me...in the face and gut was the following:

Katie meant a lot to me on many levels. I was very upset when she passed away. I think God may have been looking out for me and "prepped" me for a loss as I had to experience one much greater than that of Katie (whom I had never met) but was a fan....my twelve year old son passed away on January 30 after becoming ill in June. 

This was February 25th...not even a month after this man lost his son.  In my gut I knew I should call him...now only 10 miles away.  So I did...and thankfully Raymond guided me to a nearby McDonalds (for the kids sake and ours) where we met one another...shared our medical trauma stories...exchanged stories about our grief, but basically just related to one another...and had a very real, very human interaction.  It is everything I wanted the great adventure...it is a moment in my life..simple as it may seem which I will always cherish and never soon forget.  There is something so magical about sharing yourself with another...about interacting in a real way...if even for a moment.  So while it may have been a risky thing to meet a stranger at night...I knew in my guts it was the right thing to do..so I took a risk..and yet again it paid off.  

Thank you Raymond for being so bold and reaching out to me...I'm not sure how you carry on in this life with the burden of a loss of a child...but you inspired me on that night to continue to carry on with my head held high!  

Mardi Gras...and New Orleans

So I'm doing my best to CATCH up for the love of all that is good in this world..and there's soo much to catch up on..so bear with me...I want to just post a couple of blogs about things we've done since I last talked about the trip...because I get asked all the time..and because I in re-reading past things I've written I realize just how much I forget about things we actually do in each wonderful city we've visited..and I can NOT lose these memories...SO HERE WE GO.  

Here's where I left off...in New Orleans....YES I took the boys to Mardi Gras!  No I am not crazy.  I did a lot of looking into it..and if you steer clear of the crazy party streets Mardi Gras is SUPER DUPER family friendly...I mean lets think about it...tons and tons and tons of floats throwing beads and candy and toys...what kid wouldn't think this is the greatest thing on the PLANET..my boys were baffled..but totally dug it.  We had a great time getting to know our fellow mardi gra participants..it was amazing and the boys had a tremendous time.  We also totally lucked out..on the day of Mardi Gras we were walking about a side street..and it turned out said side street was where the floats went to park.  It was just me and the boys on this street...and the floats UNLOADED anything they had left onto our lone selves there..Aiden exclaimed WE ARE THE LUCKIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH!  It was hysterical...we enjoyed meeting the King of Mardi Gras and seeing all the floats and people up close and personal!

Our trip wasn't entirely about Mardi Gras...we had to go to Cafe Du Monde!!!  The birthplace of coffee in the U.S.  or at least legend says it as such...it's a sort of mecca for a fellow coffee devotee such as myself so I had to make my pilgrimage...pay my respects.  We blew powdered sugar all over each other..ON PURPOSE of course..got ugly stares from some..laughter from others..but we had fun and ate well so what more can you ask for!?

A fun pic of Aiden enjoying the streets of New Orleans

Aiden happy with his Mardi Gras beads...Ko just enjoying being alive :D

Songs

Damn I tell you what...today I was driving in Tucson listening to a really great radio station play their acoustic Sunday morning show...and whamo I was smacked in the face with the song "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman.  I hadn't heard this song in some time and it flooded my head, heart, and then inevitably my lap with tears which just came without regard to any circumstance...like the fact that A.  I had the children clamoring in the backseat and B.  I was about to reach a check point to enter an air force base where I was going to meet Katie's dad...here are the thoughts that rushed through my brain...HELLO security guard, don't you want to let this tear drenched, red eyed, snot nose lunatic on your base?  Nevermind me I'm just suddenly mourning the loss of my wife...oh right don't ask don't tell...this certainly would make for an interesting story...ANYWAY..back to the song.

This one took me waaaay back....to a time when Kate and my relationship was just beginning.  This CD titled "New Beginning"  (oddly ironic considering the circumstance) was consistently on the play list during that time and what a scary, wonderful, mind blowing time it was...  Isn't it funny how one song can just INSTANTLY take you back to whatever significant time period you once found it...music is power and I've never doubted it...but wow I was right there...sitting again in Katie's black Toyota Tacoma pick up truck...us wearing our matching blue Abercrombie and Fitch hats...feeling all full of emotion and nerves, feeling like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest...because I was walking down a road I had never DARED even consider...and doing so with one of my best high school friends, which was even more random...feeling like I was going to burn in hell for eternity but being so wrapped up in the beauty of the emotion to even care.  There was Tracy Chapman, signing along to our fears and desires...and there was beautiful Katie holding my hand, singing along...harmonizing like only Katie Reider could, "your warm embrace"...oh I could hear her...I could hear her voice today...there became parts of many different songs where she just sang it so perfectly and I would squeeze her hand and we would smile to ourselves...she knew it meant I loved it so she would sing louder but with a big smile and we'd laugh...so I was transported today to THAT time when life was so flipping scary but it was amazing because we were falling in love...

Then I came flooding back to the now, another "new beginning", one less warm and fuzzy...and I could hear her harmony part during the chorus, and oh how I longed to be holding her hand, laughing at her obliging to my request to hear her sing it louder.  Good grief these are the moments you just can not anticipate when you feel like more than just the rug is pulled out from underneath you...these moments can cause the tears to come like water broken from the dam.   

Ironic even more are the words of the song...I don't know why I never realized it before...I suppose when you're falling in love you can turn any song into something grand...but this is a really sad song seemingly about loss of some sort...and the words just resonated to the core of my soul..and it meant something entirely different today...it was my heart song..I WAS "remembering her touch, her kiss, her warm embrace...Tracy Chapman goes on to sing "Oh I've longed for you, and I have desired...to see your face, your smile...to be with you, wherever you are"  COME ON!??  I could go on and on with these lyrics and what they mean but holy crow I don't have the emotional energy...point being, it is a good song and at least I had the moment if even brief of being transported to happier times...and memories I had locked away some where.....Like I said..music is power that's for sure.