Banyon Street my new favorite

So currently we're resting our heads in beautiful Punta Gorda, Florida.  We're staying at the home of a wonderful family Katie used to Nanny for...her "second family" as she liked to call them...I now feel lucky enough to have come to know and love them equally.  To all of the Marcians I thank you so much for your amazing hospitality and generosity.  Marion I have always and will always cherish the time I get to spend with you and the conversations shared are always a huge nourishment to my spirit, I learn so much everytime.  I tip my glass of Hess to you :D (I really am drinking Hess, but in a plastic wine glass because I couldn't find the "adult" ones, oh well it suits me better).  

The boys and I have been having some great adventures here in Florida.  I think I just realized the other day I feel like we've reclaimed the summer lost.  This at least is what this portion of our trip feels like..one big great summer experience.  Katie got (even more) dreadfully ill in late June and remained in the hospital almost fully until her passing.  After she passed I can honestly say that the rest of July, August, September and maybe part of October were a blur.  I remember speaking on the phone one day in late November to someone talking about school..thinking with full conviction that the school year was about to begin because really it was like an odd awakening experience.  I felt at that moment I had been punched in the gut...how did we get to November, where did the Summer go?  The fall?? Where am I?  So now as the boys and I are immersed in one another I feel like we're getting this time back...and living it to the fullest.  Some highlights include:  Watching a Pelican swallow a fish in one gulp...the boys were awed at the power of the pelican.  Aiden held a 3 year old aligator on an air boat tour we took, all the while some dad in the background berated his 12 year old for allowing a 4 year old to show him up...the poor 12 year old was scared out of his gord, and I don't blame him.  Today I rented a bike and huffed the boys around behind me in a trailer, fun was had by all.   More importantly we're just relaxing with one another, doing lots of swimming and playing in many various beaches.   I have come to realize that while not many can take this kind of time out to be with their loved ones, it is something I hope I never forget to do when this trip is over..just taking whatever available free time to sit in the moment...really BE in the moment without distraction of internet, phone, TV whatever it is..that is something we all can do..invest in the ones we love...if even for an hour or two...but in just doing that there is so much to gain...and learn...and all grow in the process.

The picture above is of my new favorite street that I found today on an island in Florida called Boca Grande.  We took a day trip here today and this street was our first stop, it's called Banyan Street where these trees line both sides of the street.   To just walk this short block is like breathing the biggest most peaceful breath of fresh air.  As the boys ran around and attempted to climb any possible tree I just peacefully drank in this block and thanked my lucky stars, and more importantly God for helping me to remember to take time out to breathe everyday knowing that while some days seem unbearable there are always small rewards (like Banyan street) that keep us going.

What Can I Build?

Wow what a day it was yesterday, I found myself feeling so filled with hope and inspiration watching the scenes which unfolded all day long yesterday.  Watching President Obama take office, hearing his words, seeing the crowds it became quite a day of thought and reflection for me.  I've read and read the script of Obama's inauguration speech and I just can not get enough of it.  Yesterday this is what stuck with me for the entire day (oddly enough) "know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy".  While I know he was referring to something completely different this simple statement stuck with me throughout the entire day.  I kept thinking about my own life and the things I wish to "build" .  My oh my I have this HUGE responsibility to my boys I am building two people to be the best men possible, to contribute to society to love those that others will not, to see good in the world, to hope for things people say are unattainable...to run in the direction of love and prosperity, not towards those material things that will not last...to realize in their core that love and memories are really the ONLY things in life that will last forever and so we chase after these things.  I sometimes get some overwhelmed with trying to even express to myself, to organize my thoughts. 

Apart from the boys, I'm trying to rebuild my own life, to chase after only that which will grow me as a person and not those things that only destroy my spirit.  So that means I have to be aware of those things that will destroy me or tear me down...and these are the things I've been thinking about since I heard that sentence uttered yesterday.  I think what I've thought about most is trying to push the fear I experience on a daily basis for what will happen or become of my life this time next year out of my mind...our journey, our entire life journey up to this point was about taking risks, about being stretched, about doing what others said we could not do...these things always worked THEY ALWAYS WORKED (I say this or rather yell it to just remind myself).  I have big hope and dreams for our future.  Our Great Adventure thus far has stretched me as a person but everyday I experience something new, I see new things and I am reminded that life is good and worth living and those things that paralyze me with fear are just road blocks along our rugged journey.  I'll continue to create my new life to be exactly what I want from it no matter what it takes.

Oddly enough as I type, Koen has swallowed a lego helmet!  SO alas THIS blog must come to an end (ahh I'm laughing because he's ok).  Oh life..what a journey...I'll keep thinking about those things I do that destroy me, destroy those around me, and just should be pushed out of my life altogether, like legos.  

Random

So there I was driving along a Florida back road when I see the above
sign. Who knows why, but I was so amused by this sign and it left me
thinking of a number of things which I will share some with you now.

1st - I was about to get out of my car to snap a picture of this sign
when I thought AM I NUTS?!?!? (turns out this time I'm not). If the
sign is true then some killer Florida panther could be waiting right
outside my minivan, so I stayed put.

Then I started to think of stupid stuff like holy cow what if you got
a flat tire on this strip of road, I would be losing lug nuts all over
the place constantly worried some panther was lurking in the backround.

Or if you hit a panther (say like you hit a deer) do you get out of
the car to check on the injured beast? I say NO because unlike bambi,
if his guy is not hurt I'm a goner!

I could go on and on but I'll spare you and stop here. Point is this
has to be one of my most favorite street signs to date. Who knew?!

The adventure begins

So TONS has happened since I last wrote. I'm jobless, and homeless, but I have immense peace regarding the decision, so I know with un-waivering doubt I'm doing the right thing. I'll try to sum up the past month in as few words as possible. BUT before I do let me first say, now that this great adventure has begun, I commit to update this blog at least once a week if not more. In fact I do hope it is more as there is so much running through my head I need to get it out.

Alright, so I left New Jersey on December 20th. This was a task I did not think I was going to be able to accomplish but I DID it (crazy dancing in celebration). Surprisingly, when our apartment door slammed behind me for the final time it was as if the weight of 1000 elephants was lifted from my shoulders. No longer would I have to occupy this space where my dreams were shattered, no longer would I re-live the horrific events that those walls bore witness to...these moments are alive enough in my head, to physically be in that space was too intense. What is ironic is that I didn't even know I felt such disdain for this space until that door slammed for the last time, to which I breathed the most amazing sigh of relief I
have ever experienced in life.

On to Christmas. As expected holidays without your dearest just suck! While it was awesome to be with family for such a long time I was indeed happy to see Christmas come and go as quickly as possible. Speaking of wishing something away, I was also filled with glee to see the departure of 2008, which will forever be known as the worst possible year in my life. What I bore witness to in just one years time is mind blowing, but thankfully a new year is upon us
and I have incredibly high expectations.

So flash forward to now and we are on day 4 of our Great Adventure. Two of the four days have been devoted to driving, but we are currently in Florida where we will remain until nearly the
end of February. It took SO much to get to this point, I've felt nearly every emotion in the book and maybe some new ones that haven't been recorded. I look forward to being consistent in my
blogging and sharing each and every thing done and felt on our journey. I leave you with this: today as I watched my boys run down the beautiful beach, excitement bursting from every ounce of their beings...or while I swam around the pool with my 4 year old
for so long we could've been mistaken for raisins...It was this day with these moments that I knew in the core, the very depth of my being that I've done the right thing. This trip, this time
together, these moments shared...this is exactly the only way healing was going to occur for us. Boy oh boy has it been scary as hell leading up to this trip, and even during, but right now I have peace in my guts and I'm quite fond of the feeling. I write it out because I know fear and doubt and anguish will creep back in, so it will be nice to read what I just wrote as a reminder.

I hope you find whatever it is that will bring peace to your guts this year. Whenever you figure out what exactly that is, won't you please share, because I learn so much from the experiences of others as I sure hope you'll learn from mine.

Wrapping up...

So wow, I'm leaving New Jersey in 4 days...4 DAYS?!?!?!?!  What the heck I feel like it was just yesterday that I was lying next to my sleeping 4 year old son looking at him thinking...I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING more....I have to live in a more meaningful way...and WHAMO this crazy idea to quit my job and get rid of most of my stuff to hit the road...ran me down like a mac truck...and here I am today..4 days away from our departure, sitting in a nearly empty apartment looking around in disbelief that we are finally at this point.

 It's been an odd thing...a hard thing coming to this moment..it's one of those things where being a single parent WEARS on me immensely and makes the whole thing THAT much more difficult.  I also have run into moments, sorting through all of my stuff that I have established in my beautiful life with Katie where I'm on my knees missing her...finding beautiful photos taken of her that I didn't know we had or letters she kept..and she kept EVERYTHING.  We wrote each other often, simple letters, things you forget about..and I've stumbled upon these things countless times, and many times it's nice to read...but at the same time it brings me to such a breaking point where I feel so angry because we were GREAT and I can't believe it is no longer.  I will say that nearly once a day I see a picture of her..and I am rocked with such a sense of disbelief..that she is no longer in the physical sense here among us...it is one of those things where I'm left shaking my head thinking WHAT THE HELL...I can't wrap my mind or heart around it.  

With all of it said...I'm so excited for our adventure and this feeling of dispair fuels me all the more to make the year of 2009 OUTSTANDING...I have no doubt not one single regret or doubt that I'm not doing the right thing..all of this feels absolutely, perfectly peacefully right. 

I must say, I will miss New Jersey.  I've been marinating in the emotions of what living in New Jersey was like.  New Jersey stretched me as a person in more ways than any color or song will ever be able to depict.  However in the same breathe I never knew I was capable of all I have taken on these past 2 years.  I have seen, done and experienced many things that would absolutely put a person in a mental hospital, and it is only by the grace of God that I am still semi-sane.  I don't regret ever having come to New Jersey.  I've met amazing people, I have been moved in amazing ways...I love most the passion that fills the people here, whether their intentions are right or not the most amazing thing to me is the way people PASSIONATELY pursue the things they are passionate about.  I have not encountered this type of fury before and it has been something that has ignited in me a desire to live a life in hot pursuit of influence, and inspiration.  Had we stayed in Ohio, with this same outcome for my life and for Katie's life, I don't know that I would've had the same courage to pursue this trip around the U.S. and so I am thankful to New Jersey and the people I have come to call friends here who have taught me much about truly living.  So while you chewed us up and spit us out..NJ you taught us much...we dust ourselves off and go confidently in the direction of our new dreams.  I hope with the upcoming year, ALL Of us are reminded that life is fleeting and it is not the things we did that we will regret, it is the things we did not do that will haunt us most..so lets ensure that list of things we did not do is SHORT...run hard in the direction of your hearts calling..and don't for one second look back.  The next time I write, our Great Adventure will have begun, I look forward to sharing the lessons learned in 2009 and no kidding I LOVE hearing and reading the comments about how you have learned and been moved in the same ways...I read them all, I love the emails...I am just in awe in how so many of you are willing to share yourselves with me.  I love it, I invite it, and I learn from it so don't ever hesitate.

All I want to do is live my life more honestly!

Funny, I just typed up an email to my friend..and thought..hmmmm everything I just said here is exactly something I would've liked to blog about...so here is the exact email:

WOW I've been so darn busy at work!! Yikes sorry I haven't responded to you in ages..it's not you it's me :D how cliché...

So what's up..any good developments in your life lately...how are you growing how are you changing...I only ask because someone asked me that last night...and 1. I valued the question immensely (I have the coolest people in my life) and 2. it was still on my mind this morning...stuck with me....my answer is well crap what is not changing in my life..EVERYTHING is...constantly perpetually changing..thank heavens for that!! As well...It's ironic I find myself preparing to move away from Jersey..a place that has been so difficult to live in..because of circumstances..not because of location or people..and I've been here for 2 years almost..and it seems that only recently have I started to establish my life here..as far as building relationships with people. So I'm building into these people..and being moved and changed and inspired by them..and I truly find that I love them..and now I'm leaving..it's odd...makes it hard for me to leave this place that was so unkind to us. What is EVEN more odd is that 2 of these people that I've built friendships with never even knew Katie...they didn't know "Katie and Karen"..the tag that has been mine for all of my adult life...and so is is interesting trying to meander this life now allowing people to develop a new tag for me..and I expect that with all the traveling we'll be doing this upcoming year this is going to be a regular occurrence...what a strange thing. She was such a safety net for me..I was able to hide (sort of) behind her HUGE personality..and let her break the ice..let her do the "uncomfortable" stuff...and then I could easily just come in and pick up..once it was easy..and now..I've lost my net..and I'm being pushed and challenged to step out of myself..and that's hard too! AHH but those are the ways I'm growing and changing.

I've also been packing and purging and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of...and wowee is this ever a CRAZY task...what I realize is we had WAY more than what we ever needed...and it's just annoying....I NEVER in my life want to find myself having as much stuff (dare I say junk) cluttering up my house again...GOOD lesson to learn in your younger years...wish I had learned it in my EVEN younger years..hope to pass it along to the boys...experiences not things experiences not things experiences not things!!!

SO...I think I realized that I just wrote and wrote and wrote....sorry if I've overwhelmed you with my thoughts...I think I actually may just copy and paste this entire email as a blog..hope you're cool with that!!

Have a fantastic Thanksgiving!! Hope you feel like you have lots to be Thankful for!!!

peace

kr

Thanks to my friend for allowing me to share this..even though I didn't wait for your permission :D

This business of discrimination

RTV right :D well here goes....I typically am not one to "step up on a soap box" to discuss the hot topics of the world..or tough morality issues that will get a crowd all hot and bothered...I'm more of a let your life do the talking on the morality stuff, you know actions are WAY louder than words, but all this talk about proposition 8 in California has me thinking...mostly about how it is impossible for anyone to take away my profound love for another just because they say it shouldn't be allowed.

We elected a tremendous man as our President...even more historical was the fact that he was African American...on election night my son and I were having a conversation about Barack Obama.  Aiden wanted to know "does he look like me"?  As I started to tell him that well..kind of, but...Barack was older, and much taller, his eyes were darker, I had to pause and think should I call out to my 4 year old that Barack was "a different color"?  I realized in that moment I didn't want my young son to yet realize that we in America classify people or place them in a category or stereotype them simply because the color of their skin is different.  So I withheld this information.  I remember feeling such a tremendous amout of pride watching the new first family walk out onto stage that night, in fact I nearly cried at the sight.  I remember thinking WOW we've come so far and I LOVE that this family stands for THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, awesome!  Then came the rather surprising news that proposition 8 had passed in California...and I'm left scratching my head thinking we took huge strides in one direction only to take huge strides in the exact opposite direction still as a nation embracing discrimination and hate.  My moment of joy and wonder at my new diverse first family was cut far too short by this news.  

I'm going to say some things that I know will upset my gay friends..I've already said it to my close friends, and caused some dissent..but I SERIOUSLY believe this...while I don't agree with the passing of proposition 8 and while I will say that it is terribly hateful to deny a person a right they should be afforded as an American...I have to also say...YOU KNOW WHAT just because someone tells me they think the person I love is wrong and the act is immoral and disgusting and whatever else...all of these things said and rights withheld..IT DOESN'T MATTER to me..did I stop loving Katie because someone told me it was wrong...well for a time yes..but I got over it..pulled my head out of the WATER (I'm being kind) breathed in the greatest breath of life and pursued life and love and happiness spent with Katie.  

No matter what rights we were or were not afforded as a couple, we had a wedding, we vowed BEFORE GOD to be faithful to one another, to live a life pleasing to him, to be together until death parted us..WE STILL DID IT...and so it was..and so she was indeed my wife, with or without a piece of paper to declare it as such.  We had a home together and we welcomed people, lots of people, gay and straight, at our dinner table, and we laughed, and we cried, and we made memories.  Best yet, out of our love came 2 beautiful people, who know at the core of their being that 2 other people love them immeasurably.  And wow all those "disbelievers" say our boys should be very disturbed at their core...I would invite anyone who believes this to come and meet our children because they are astounding individuals at the ripe age of 2 and 4..they are profound and more importantly they are so stinking happy and quite frankly more adjusted and well behaved than many that come from a more "traditional" dwelling.  

So I don't know, I find it so interesting, what do all these people who vote this stuff down think? Because I'm here to say just because you say it isn't so...doesn't mean it deters me or stops me or hinders my relationship in anyway.  If anything it made us fight harder to make it work to go the duration...and we WENT the duration...ACTUALLY Katie and my relationship was probably put to the fire far more often and withstood the test in far more trying circumstances than that of our "married" counterparts who had the "paper" and the "rights"....emerging from the fire or the tests with a tighter union and connection or bond...growing our live in the midst..THESE are the great things which define a family or a marriage and mine was strong...stronger than most...we just didn't have the rights..but we didn't need them to make it any more real or legitimate.

ALL of these things are what I will pass along to our boys about diversity, real family values and acceptance.  Do you agree?  If not...come sit at my dinner table...I'd love to go back to my core and allow my life to speak for itself.