Damn I tell you what...today I was driving in Tucson listening to a really great radio station play their acoustic Sunday morning show...and whamo I was smacked in the face with the song "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman. I hadn't heard this song in some time and it flooded my head, heart, and then inevitably my lap with tears which just came without regard to any circumstance...like the fact that A. I had the children clamoring in the backseat and B. I was about to reach a check point to enter an air force base where I was going to meet Katie's dad...here are the thoughts that rushed through my brain...HELLO security guard, don't you want to let this tear drenched, red eyed, snot nose lunatic on your base? Nevermind me I'm just suddenly mourning the loss of my wife...oh right don't ask don't tell...this certainly would make for an interesting story...ANYWAY..back to the song.
This one took me waaaay back....to a time when Kate and my relationship was just beginning. This CD titled "New Beginning" (oddly ironic considering the circumstance) was consistently on the play list during that time and what a scary, wonderful, mind blowing time it was... Isn't it funny how one song can just INSTANTLY take you back to whatever significant time period you once found it...music is power and I've never doubted it...but wow I was right there...sitting again in Katie's black Toyota Tacoma pick up truck...us wearing our matching blue Abercrombie and Fitch hats...feeling all full of emotion and nerves, feeling like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest...because I was walking down a road I had never DARED even consider...and doing so with one of my best high school friends, which was even more random...feeling like I was going to burn in hell for eternity but being so wrapped up in the beauty of the emotion to even care. There was Tracy Chapman, signing along to our fears and desires...and there was beautiful Katie holding my hand, singing along...harmonizing like only Katie Reider could, "your warm embrace"...oh I could hear her...I could hear her voice today...there became parts of many different songs where she just sang it so perfectly and I would squeeze her hand and we would smile to ourselves...she knew it meant I loved it so she would sing louder but with a big smile and we'd laugh...so I was transported today to THAT time when life was so flipping scary but it was amazing because we were falling in love...
Then I came flooding back to the now, another "new beginning", one less warm and fuzzy...and I could hear her harmony part during the chorus, and oh how I longed to be holding her hand, laughing at her obliging to my request to hear her sing it louder. Good grief these are the moments you just can not anticipate when you feel like more than just the rug is pulled out from underneath you...these moments can cause the tears to come like water broken from the dam.
Ironic even more are the words of the song...I don't know why I never realized it before...I suppose when you're falling in love you can turn any song into something grand...but this is a really sad song seemingly about loss of some sort...and the words just resonated to the core of my soul..and it meant something entirely different today...it was my heart song..I WAS "remembering her touch, her kiss, her warm embrace...Tracy Chapman goes on to sing "Oh I've longed for you, and I have desired...to see your face, your smile...to be with you, wherever you are" COME ON!?? I could go on and on with these lyrics and what they mean but holy crow I don't have the emotional energy...point being, it is a good song and at least I had the moment if even brief of being transported to happier times...and memories I had locked away some where.....Like I said..music is power that's for sure.