Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Wrapping up...

So wow, I'm leaving New Jersey in 4 days...4 DAYS?!?!?!?!  What the heck I feel like it was just yesterday that I was lying next to my sleeping 4 year old son looking at him thinking...I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING more....I have to live in a more meaningful way...and WHAMO this crazy idea to quit my job and get rid of most of my stuff to hit the road...ran me down like a mac truck...and here I am today..4 days away from our departure, sitting in a nearly empty apartment looking around in disbelief that we are finally at this point.

 It's been an odd thing...a hard thing coming to this moment..it's one of those things where being a single parent WEARS on me immensely and makes the whole thing THAT much more difficult.  I also have run into moments, sorting through all of my stuff that I have established in my beautiful life with Katie where I'm on my knees missing her...finding beautiful photos taken of her that I didn't know we had or letters she kept..and she kept EVERYTHING.  We wrote each other often, simple letters, things you forget about..and I've stumbled upon these things countless times, and many times it's nice to read...but at the same time it brings me to such a breaking point where I feel so angry because we were GREAT and I can't believe it is no longer.  I will say that nearly once a day I see a picture of her..and I am rocked with such a sense of disbelief..that she is no longer in the physical sense here among us...it is one of those things where I'm left shaking my head thinking WHAT THE HELL...I can't wrap my mind or heart around it.  

With all of it said...I'm so excited for our adventure and this feeling of dispair fuels me all the more to make the year of 2009 OUTSTANDING...I have no doubt not one single regret or doubt that I'm not doing the right thing..all of this feels absolutely, perfectly peacefully right. 

I must say, I will miss New Jersey.  I've been marinating in the emotions of what living in New Jersey was like.  New Jersey stretched me as a person in more ways than any color or song will ever be able to depict.  However in the same breathe I never knew I was capable of all I have taken on these past 2 years.  I have seen, done and experienced many things that would absolutely put a person in a mental hospital, and it is only by the grace of God that I am still semi-sane.  I don't regret ever having come to New Jersey.  I've met amazing people, I have been moved in amazing ways...I love most the passion that fills the people here, whether their intentions are right or not the most amazing thing to me is the way people PASSIONATELY pursue the things they are passionate about.  I have not encountered this type of fury before and it has been something that has ignited in me a desire to live a life in hot pursuit of influence, and inspiration.  Had we stayed in Ohio, with this same outcome for my life and for Katie's life, I don't know that I would've had the same courage to pursue this trip around the U.S. and so I am thankful to New Jersey and the people I have come to call friends here who have taught me much about truly living.  So while you chewed us up and spit us out..NJ you taught us much...we dust ourselves off and go confidently in the direction of our new dreams.  I hope with the upcoming year, ALL Of us are reminded that life is fleeting and it is not the things we did that we will regret, it is the things we did not do that will haunt us most..so lets ensure that list of things we did not do is SHORT...run hard in the direction of your hearts calling..and don't for one second look back.  The next time I write, our Great Adventure will have begun, I look forward to sharing the lessons learned in 2009 and no kidding I LOVE hearing and reading the comments about how you have learned and been moved in the same ways...I read them all, I love the emails...I am just in awe in how so many of you are willing to share yourselves with me.  I love it, I invite it, and I learn from it so don't ever hesitate.