Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Well well well. I think I've been on an RTV haitus. NO, actually, I know I have. I don't know if it's possible to describe what happened to me exactly...the emotions felt these past months...BUT whatever it was I was paralyzed with RTV fear...I just couldn't bring myself to open up...to express in the same way I had been...and I'm not so sure I know the reasons exactly...possibly I felt too exposed...too "out there" emotionally...I just couldn't find the words...didn't want to type..just wanted to curl up and be with me and the ones I hold most dear. Could this be just another way grief rears its ugly head? One of the stages? I'm inclined to think most likely, yes it is...oh life and the places it takes you...if only we dare to open ourselves up, make ourselves vulnerable to the experiences of life. It's hard sometimes to take that step...be it the fear of the great unknown, the financial risk, what is it that stops us exactly from living the life of our dreams...knowing our utmost potential? These, my friends, are the questions I find I ask myself everyday, if not 15 times a day. I have all sorts of dreams, all sorts of passions, all sorts of things that fuel me, so how do I put them all together to make a life for the boys and I...to sustain us. THESE are the questions I'm asking now more than ever...I've found myself at yet another crossroads (lucky me), wondering if I can take all these experiences I've had this past year and really DO SOMETHING that matters, that sustains, that gives back, that moves me at my core. All of this questioning, I believe, has come from a recent trip I had the great fortune of taking to South Africa with TOMS shoes...and before I tell you what I've decided these few weeks since being back I want to share with you (or note for myself only for all of eternity) each day for the next few what I wrote in my journal...and experienced and felt while I was on my trip in Africa. I feel like if I take what's on paper...and type it out here in black and white it will speak to my soul in an even more significant way than the experience itself already has. So if it bores you, my apologies upfront...I'm just doing my thing trying to get back in the practice of being RTV....so here goes.
AFRICA --- DAY 1 --- "Due to safety regulations sleeping on the floor of the plane is not allowed" SOLID I think to myself what an absolutely solid announcement as I am about to embark on a nearly 18 hour flight to a place I've dreamt of going my entire adult life....AFRICA...it is ironic...I was once picked to go to Nigeria for a summer in college, I was a couple months in to the process when I met someone who made my world change colors...made my heart swell with feelings I've never experienced. I fell in love that winter and declined the opportunity to go to Africa knowing in my heart this love was more important..fearing if I left what was sitting before me would disappear. Little did I know then my whole life and being would be so significantly impacted by the choice to stay and forgo the trip to Africa. The love affair of that winter turned into the rest of my life as I know it today...my soul joined with Katie forever. So the fact that I'm sitting here now on a plane to Africa, this the last trip of the Great Adventure, I have to laugh at the irony of it all...how life does truly take us full circle sometimes...mind boggling actually.
So now here I am on a new journey, alone, starting over yet again, morning is starting to dawn and I catch my first glimpse of AFRICA, a chill runs down my entire back. I'm listening to U2 -- Joshua Tree -- Where the Streets have no Name -- Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking for -- it's a perfect soundtrack as I gaze out of my window staring down below at the wonder that is South Africa! I don't know what awaits me out these doors of the plane but this excites me to no end. TOMS takes the approach that when we get the opportunity to go on a guided trip, like this, it is better to come in to the trip with as few expectations as possible....so nothing about my shoe drop has been shared with me...all I knew was when to show up at the airport and where I was going...that's about it. A true adventure awaits I know this for sure, and I expect my thoughts and feelings will be so different upon my return home. What will my mind be thinking and feeling when I gaze out this same little window looking down upon Ohio? Time will tell, what I know is I will be different, better for having taken this step of blind faith.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
we're at a point where we're moving in the direction of getting you
restored..just imagine the good that will come from all of this...just
being able to talk again...to sing again..it's all possible Kate..and it
is all going to happen for you...our lives are going to be given back to
us..and you and I will grow old happily..w/o illness and we'll enjoy our
boys (and who knows maybe even more :D) ....and their children...
My hope in having you...was restored at the news today....and I will be
with you every step of the way...to your full recovery....we will never
be the same...we are forever changed and altered..but when we emerge
from this fire...holy cow..no one...nothing will ever be able to stop
I love you now..I love you always!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
This picture just summed it all up for me perfectly. Sometimes there just aren't words to describe the way you feel. Most times...this is the way Joy feels for me...sometimes it just sneaks up on you in the most unexpected places or times. Being aware enough to spot it...even though it may not be as beautiful or awe-inspiring as you had hoped..that's what I'm learning to do.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wow what a day it was yesterday, I found myself feeling so filled with hope and inspiration watching the scenes which unfolded all day long yesterday. Watching President Obama take office, hearing his words, seeing the crowds it became quite a day of thought and reflection for me. I've read and read the script of Obama's inauguration speech and I just can not get enough of it. Yesterday this is what stuck with me for the entire day (oddly enough) "know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy". While I know he was referring to something completely different this simple statement stuck with me throughout the entire day. I kept thinking about my own life and the things I wish to "build" . My oh my I have this HUGE responsibility to my boys I am building two people to be the best men possible, to contribute to society to love those that others will not, to see good in the world, to hope for things people say are unattainable...to run in the direction of love and prosperity, not towards those material things that will not last...to realize in their core that love and memories are really the ONLY things in life that will last forever and so we chase after these things. I sometimes get some overwhelmed with trying to even express to myself, to organize my thoughts.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
sign. Who knows why, but I was so amused by this sign and it left me
thinking of a number of things which I will share some with you now.
1st - I was about to get out of my car to snap a picture of this sign
when I thought AM I NUTS?!?!? (turns out this time I'm not). If the
sign is true then some killer Florida panther could be waiting right
outside my minivan, so I stayed put.
Then I started to think of stupid stuff like holy cow what if you got
a flat tire on this strip of road, I would be losing lug nuts all over
the place constantly worried some panther was lurking in the backround.
Or if you hit a panther (say like you hit a deer) do you get out of
the car to check on the injured beast? I say NO because unlike bambi,
if his guy is not hurt I'm a goner!
I could go on and on but I'll spare you and stop here. Point is this
has to be one of my most favorite street signs to date. Who knew?!
Monday, January 12, 2009
So TONS has happened since I last wrote. I'm jobless, and homeless, but I have immense peace regarding the decision, so I know with un-waivering doubt I'm doing the right thing. I'll try to sum up the past month in as few words as possible. BUT before I do let me first say, now that this great adventure has begun, I commit to update this blog at least once a week if not more. In fact I do hope it is more as there is so much running through my head I need to get it out.
Alright, so I left New Jersey on December 20th. This was a task I did not think I was going to be able to accomplish but I DID it (crazy dancing in celebration). Surprisingly, when our apartment door slammed behind me for the final time it was as if the weight of 1000 elephants was lifted from my shoulders. No longer would I have to occupy this space where my dreams were shattered, no longer would I re-live the horrific events that those walls bore witness to...these moments are alive enough in my head, to physically be in that space was too intense. What is ironic is that I didn't even know I felt such disdain for this space until that door slammed for the last time, to which I breathed the most amazing sigh of relief I
have ever experienced in life.
On to Christmas. As expected holidays without your dearest just suck! While it was awesome to be with family for such a long time I was indeed happy to see Christmas come and go as quickly as possible. Speaking of wishing something away, I was also filled with glee to see the departure of 2008, which will forever be known as the worst possible year in my life. What I bore witness to in just one years time is mind blowing, but thankfully a new year is upon us
and I have incredibly high expectations.
So flash forward to now and we are on day 4 of our Great Adventure. Two of the four days have been devoted to driving, but we are currently in Florida where we will remain until nearly the
end of February. It took SO much to get to this point, I've felt nearly every emotion in the book and maybe some new ones that haven't been recorded. I look forward to being consistent in my
blogging and sharing each and every thing done and felt on our journey. I leave you with this: today as I watched my boys run down the beautiful beach, excitement bursting from every ounce of their beings...or while I swam around the pool with my 4 year old
for so long we could've been mistaken for raisins...It was this day with these moments that I knew in the core, the very depth of my being that I've done the right thing. This trip, this time
together, these moments shared...this is exactly the only way healing was going to occur for us. Boy oh boy has it been scary as hell leading up to this trip, and even during, but right now I have peace in my guts and I'm quite fond of the feeling. I write it out because I know fear and doubt and anguish will creep back in, so it will be nice to read what I just wrote as a reminder.
I hope you find whatever it is that will bring peace to your guts this year. Whenever you figure out what exactly that is, won't you please share, because I learn so much from the experiences of others as I sure hope you'll learn from mine.