I have all sorts of thoughts this evening..and I'll try not to be all over the board..(with heavy emphasis on TRY)..so I'm just going to spat out my thoughts..and you can pick and choose what makes sense...and then maybe you can try to help me make sense of it. I certainly feel like I am on a path of "becoming"...this trip has been great...PRECISELY, exactly, absolutely what my little broken spirit needed. I love the adventures we've been having, I love that there is NOTHING we HAVE to do on any given day, I call the shots as to our daily activities. I especially love not having the drama's of everyday life that frustrate and stunt us, and I guess what I mean by that..is when you have SO much change in life, on a very regular basis, there is no time to be wrapped up in the petty spats or insignificant squabbles which seem to sneak in to your life and relationships. Instead I'm lucky enough to be around different people in different environments and pull the lessons that need to be pulled..and then we move on...it is a freedom I can not rightfully explain but I have come to appreciate the feeling.
This leads me to my next thought...who knows what it is about the conversations I have been absolutely blessed to be having these past months...but wowee people sure have opened up and sometimes I feel just blown away by your own RTV-ness with me. Some of you far out reach even my own attempts, I believe, and so I thank you SO incredibly much for being willing to put yourself out there...NOT to mention the overwhelming outpouring of all things related to Katie and how she changed you, made you look at things differently, inspired all the very best in you. It is beyond unfortunate to not have her here anymore, it is a grief and sorrow I will never ever shake, HOWEVER to hear your experiences, the words, the music, the call to action...to see how you manifest your own grief into goodness I truly sometimes do not feel worthy of ALL that I have been privy to these past 6 months...and that is ONLY because people have been so damn RTV and I LOVE IT! SO I've been wondering lately why it is so that we do not live this way on a regular basis...I find myself asking this question REGULARLY: Do those that inspire me and move me, do they know indeed just HOW much I love them and am regularly changed by them? AND IF NOT WHY NOT? Why do we wait for such travesties in life to share our feelings..why did Katie not get this showering of affection when she was walking amongst us? What a shame, and so I have resounded to try to be more honest to those I hold dear...it's hard to do sometimes...I'm becoming (there's that word again) better at it...it is a process indeed...
And then after all of this...after all the great travel experiences, and after I am reminded everyday how fantastically wonderful Katie was I'm a left with such sadness...such a feeling that no one on the planet "gets" me like Katie got me...like we got each other...it is a lonliness I have never known, it is uncertainty like I have never known and so again I am becoming. Trying to sort it all out, where do I belong, because it feels like no place...and so I seek and seek and seek believing at my core that God will make it so painfully obvious if I only remain open and willing to be molded...to which I scream...here I am Lord...make me and mold me because I am open to ANYTHING. Such odd ups and downs right now. I'm not saying I don't like it...it just is uncomfortable this gap...but hey at least we are on the greatest journey to find whatever is to be...and for this I KNOW CERTAINLY that I am blessed abundantly to have this opportunity... so I go from there and have hope the next chapter will be revealed when the time is right.
5 comments:
I think you've demonstrated that you're open to whatever the universe has in store for you. :) Your journey is young; the next step will be made evident when the time is right. I'm sure you will hear your calling.
Karen
I have been following this blog since Katie passed. I knew of Katie as an artist and saw her perform several times. The other reason I follow this blog is, the struggles you are going thru are very similar to mine. Wow, you put into words in this post what I could not find the words to say. "it is a loneliness I have never known, it is uncertainty like I have never known and so again I am becoming. Trying to sort it all out, where do I belong, because it feels like no place...and so I seek and seek and seek believing at my core that God will make it so painfully obvious if I only remain open and willing to be molded"
For me its a constantly changing journey, trying to figure out who you are, what your new life will look like and how you get there. Part of the problem for me, is who am I without the people I lost. I spent many years taking care of them thru their illness, making sure they had what they needed to "live" while they could. Once they passed, I found I lost me. I am still trying to figure out that part. I hold the hope that god will show me what is in store for me. The hardest part of becoming is the patience to let it happen.
Thank you for taking the time with you boys to live thru it without the stress of everyday life. Hopefully thru your adventure, I will gain some insight.
Karen,
You are on such a beautiful journey! This is my favorite of your posts so far - one could say that it is when we stop "becoming" or when our bodies are no longer able to "become," that is when we die.
Some folks, like Katie, don't get much choice in the matter. The body stops.
Other folks, like you and the boys, do have a choice. You can choose to stop "becoming" anything else and thus live a life that is "dead." Or you can choose to be open to becoming whatever it is that God has in store for you.
This, I believe, opens us up to God's greatest possibilities.
It requires great courage - which you have in overflowing quantity.
Bless you. Know that you are loved and prayed for.
Your insight here made me smile.
So well explored, Karen.
Keep thinking and keep writing to become.
It's beautiful of you to share.
;-)
Oh and this gorgeous video made me think of you and Katie.
http://youheardme-achilles3.blogspot.com/2009/02/dont-divorce-my-moms.html
It's a shame that it so often takes a loss, to make people talk about the person who is gone. And likewise, it's a shame that it takes a loss for the people who love a person to all come together and celebrate them.
I can also tell you, though, that the benefit concert last night at the LC was fantastic. There were soooo many people, and so much fun and laughter. It was eclectic and upbeat and a wonderful evening, all in all.
(And there might have been some dust in my eye, when one of the girls from the rock n rhythm camp did her rendition of "Never Saw Blue Like That.")
So while you are on your journey and experiencing your becoming, there is plenty of becoming going on back in Columbus as well. I hope this event becomes something larger, something more amazing, for all the people whose lives were touched by Katie and her becoming family. :)
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