Tuesday, June 9, 2009

June 7, 2009

Yesterday is what would have been my 6th wedding anniversary....yesterday and today I have found myself painfully missing my wife.  Oh this first year...this first year of life without Katie is tough to say the VERY least.  Of course there is the obvious..all the "firsts" you have to endure...Christmas, Mother's Day, children's birthdays, her birthday...and now I can add anniversary to the list of firsts which have come and gone.  I'm feeling quite fortunate my last "first" is soon approaching..this day...the darkest day in my history...will be a difficult first to endure..so difficult in fact I find the emotions already building up..but I will be so happy to have leaped this last hurdle..turning yet another new unexplored chapter in this business of grief and living...the chapter I think I call..after those first 365.  I don't know what to expect on say..day 367 or 430, but something I've found to be so difficult with this first 365 is I often think about what it was I was doing last year at this time...and to know whether it was good or bad or worse..at the very minimum at this time last year I still knew what it felt like to have Katie's hand in mine...knowing this..at any given point of the first 365..is such an unexpected emotional weight...to know...she was here and now she's not..it's a painful reminder, salt in the wound (so to speak)..so I'm looking forward to the "after those first 365" days...one because again the "first hurdles" will all have been jumped, never to be jumped again..but more importantly...or maybe most importantly I'll know that say on June 7, 2010 when I say "what was I doing this time last year"...the answer can be..I was living..I rose above..I drank all life had to offer..I saw and was changed by the unexpected... I met new people who taught be amazing lessons all of which I could have lost had I not been willing to take the risk..I raised my children, loved them endlessly, showed them many things I had never even seen.  I engaged life, I laughed so hard I cried...I cried so hard I laughed...I was not conquered by my greatest fear but looked fear directly in the eyes and chose hope.  
 I've said so many times before we can not choose the situations which will happen to us in life...life has many plans for us we may not like..but the only logical choice regardless of the circumstance is hope..and living our best life possible...so I continue on...writing this chapter in my newest adventure.

8 comments:

stacy k said...

Da-yumm, you are ferocious! Here is to living, in all its ups and down. To all the tears, shed both in joy and sadness. To all our loves, those that are here, those that are gone, and those to come...

elaine boone said...

I'm so proud of you. I think your trip is healing for me too!! I am working on moving forward as well, but some days are just hard and others are just so beautiful. Hang in there kidoo!! I love you. Mom

Marcie said...

Your posts give me goosebumps. Your strength gives me strength. Your pain is so deep and ebbing, yet it has not swallowed you. Dark days there will be, and as anniversaries pass especially, it will feel like you're being dragged out to sea. The tide will pull at you, but it won't overtake you. You get stronger with each passing day, each passing minute, and every cresting wave. Thanks for letting me share in your journey.
-Marcie

L-VII said...

You got married on my birthday, that's great. You are on this incredible journey and even though I cannot imagine how it feels, I wish you well. Keep your head up. x

L.

kt said...

Thank you for sharing all this. Your posts, videos and pictures remind me to live. And not just live, but LIVE. Thank you.
Hope to see you on this side of the country again soon,

Katie

Laurie said...

I still don't think I've been able to get through one of these posts without crying. Your genuineness, your rawness, your sadness, your hopefulness....you...just you. I am inspired, I am touched, I am terrifically impressed with you. I am also in Cleveland when you're ready to pass through. :-)

D-Bo said...

biggest hugs.

Samantha said...

beautiful. grief is weird-- i know what you mean about firsts... and laughing so hard you cry...i just lost my baby son six weeks ago-- i cannot imagine losing my husband... bless you as you go.
--samantha