Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Oh how the pendulum swings
Well well well. I think I've been on an RTV haitus. NO, actually, I know I have. I don't know if it's possible to describe what happened to me exactly...the emotions felt these past months...BUT whatever it was I was paralyzed with RTV fear...I just couldn't bring myself to open up...to express in the same way I had been...and I'm not so sure I know the reasons exactly...possibly I felt too exposed...too "out there" emotionally...I just couldn't find the words...didn't want to type..just wanted to curl up and be with me and the ones I hold most dear. Could this be just another way grief rears its ugly head? One of the stages? I'm inclined to think most likely, yes it is...oh life and the places it takes you...if only we dare to open ourselves up, make ourselves vulnerable to the experiences of life. It's hard sometimes to take that step...be it the fear of the great unknown, the financial risk, what is it that stops us exactly from living the life of our dreams...knowing our utmost potential? These, my friends, are the questions I find I ask myself everyday, if not 15 times a day. I have all sorts of dreams, all sorts of passions, all sorts of things that fuel me, so how do I put them all together to make a life for the boys and I...to sustain us. THESE are the questions I'm asking now more than ever...I've found myself at yet another crossroads (lucky me), wondering if I can take all these experiences I've had this past year and really DO SOMETHING that matters, that sustains, that gives back, that moves me at my core. All of this questioning, I believe, has come from a recent trip I had the great fortune of taking to South Africa with TOMS shoes...and before I tell you what I've decided these few weeks since being back I want to share with you (or note for myself only for all of eternity) each day for the next few what I wrote in my journal...and experienced and felt while I was on my trip in Africa. I feel like if I take what's on paper...and type it out here in black and white it will speak to my soul in an even more significant way than the experience itself already has. So if it bores you, my apologies upfront...I'm just doing my thing trying to get back in the practice of being RTV....so here goes.
AFRICA --- DAY 1 --- "Due to safety regulations sleeping on the floor of the plane is not allowed" SOLID I think to myself what an absolutely solid announcement as I am about to embark on a nearly 18 hour flight to a place I've dreamt of going my entire adult life....AFRICA...it is ironic...I was once picked to go to Nigeria for a summer in college, I was a couple months in to the process when I met someone who made my world change colors...made my heart swell with feelings I've never experienced. I fell in love that winter and declined the opportunity to go to Africa knowing in my heart this love was more important..fearing if I left what was sitting before me would disappear. Little did I know then my whole life and being would be so significantly impacted by the choice to stay and forgo the trip to Africa. The love affair of that winter turned into the rest of my life as I know it today...my soul joined with Katie forever. So the fact that I'm sitting here now on a plane to Africa, this the last trip of the Great Adventure, I have to laugh at the irony of it all...how life does truly take us full circle sometimes...mind boggling actually.
So now here I am on a new journey, alone, starting over yet again, morning is starting to dawn and I catch my first glimpse of AFRICA, a chill runs down my entire back. I'm listening to U2 -- Joshua Tree -- Where the Streets have no Name -- Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking for -- it's a perfect soundtrack as I gaze out of my window staring down below at the wonder that is South Africa! I don't know what awaits me out these doors of the plane but this excites me to no end. TOMS takes the approach that when we get the opportunity to go on a guided trip, like this, it is better to come in to the trip with as few expectations as possible....so nothing about my shoe drop has been shared with me...all I knew was when to show up at the airport and where I was going...that's about it. A true adventure awaits I know this for sure, and I expect my thoughts and feelings will be so different upon my return home. What will my mind be thinking and feeling when I gaze out this same little window looking down upon Ohio? Time will tell, what I know is I will be different, better for having taken this step of blind faith.