Growing, Growing....GONE.

Wow, it's been far too long since I last wrote, and my hope is that I'll allow myself more time to sit and write and vent and heal all at the same time...because I know in 15 years when I look back at all of this I will marvel at my thoughts and the things I went through..and how far I've come, and most likely I'll re-learn from what I'm dealing with IN THIS MOMENT of life right now...isn't it amazing, life and the way it changes us...especially when we least expect it..MORE especially when it takes a hard left when you planned to keep moving forward.

I've resounded recently through all of this that I never want to find myself in a place where I've grown too complacent-too comfortable-too at ease, because I think (at least for myself) all of these things stunt my own growth, curb my own potential as a person.  Stepping out in faith, taking great risks, challenging myself, purposefully making myself uncomfortable, in THESE MOMENTS, in this place, this is where I've seen myself grow as a person the most..learn the most lessons.  MEDIOCRITY does not settle well with me..never has never will.  To date I've lived a rather unconventional life (by most peoples standards).  Katie and I resounded to do things that were right for us..that moved us...didn't necessarily have to be right by the standards society placed on us..but we were blessed in abundance and we loved in abundance and it was risky and it was scary but it worked...and it was beautiful...my soul hurts and longs for her...and this longing this hurt and sorrow has also brought with it an unbelievable quench for something more from life.  I find myself in a very unique place in life right now; people say when you experience the loss of a loved one you shouldn't react or make any rash decisions for at least one year...to this I say WHAT A BUNCH OF BUNK...never in my life have I found myself more open or with these thoughts, feelings, inspirations..and so I say WHY NOT?  Why surpress these fresh ideas when I'm MOST willing to act on them, to live in ways I've never imagined, always dreamed...maybe I'm far off..and I welcome your thoughts but I tell you again MEDIOCRITY is NOT FOR ME..I will not settle.

So I'm taking a step in blind faith, a risk, choosing life...living it...and refusing to allow what has happened to me to define or moreover defeat me.  ARE YOU READY FOR IT!?  Katie and I always dreamed of traveling the country together, it was something we often spoke of it was something we had hoped her music would propel us to do..so effective December 20th, the boys and I will be both jobless and homeless.  I'll soon be purchasing a Honda Odyssey (used of course), Katie's dream car...no really...I work for BMW we've been driving new BMWs for 7 years and all Katie ever wanted was a Honda Odyssey.  So the boys and I are headed out to discover this great U.S. visiting friends and family and every sight we've ever wanted to see.  Along the way, being moved and inspired by our pursuits.  Aiden wants to see sharks swimming in the ocean, and whales jumping out of the water, and crocodiles, and so I will do my best to make all of those things and so much more a reality for him and for Koen and for me.  Being together, learning together, growing together.  We're first headed to Florida, on purpose, because winter is just too dreary, too cold, too long, so we're skipping it all together.

Drinking in life is what 2009 is all about, living in a more real, transparent, and vulnerable way.  Won't you join me, in your own way in taking even one small risk in your own life?  Life is too short...too damn short to be wrapped up in the crap that wraps us up on a daily basis...I've gained quite a perspective from this entire experience (might just be the one and only thing I'm thankful for) and I look forward to sharing that and all the ways we've been challenged by life in the future.  So for now...if you have any suggestions on places to go, or people to meet, or heck if you have a place to stay, let me know..as my planning is well underway and I'm excited about our Great Adventure. 

86 Days Later....

So, wow.  I've been meaning to write for some time now....not so much for anything else than to get all that I've been thinking down on SOMETHING and journals..well journals just seem so 1985...but what to write..where to start...these past 86 days..well my whole life changed.  I walked into a building in a city, THE CITY,  as one person and walked out an entirely new person altogether.  It's an odd sensation to feel your life moving in a direction you never wanted, never dreamed, never fathomed, but you can't stop it..you can't do anything about it but just move...just keep moving..it really has been for me like watching a movie, watching someone else's life unfold..except for the fact that it's my life..this is my reality and some days that reality is easier to wrap my heart around than others.  

If you think I'm going to sit here 86 days later and say it's gotten easier with time...you will be disappointed, because this is just not the case.  I suppose one thing I've gotten better with (to some extent) is being honest, saying exactly what I mean to say, because I think we all have much to gain by being real, by being honest and by throwing it all out on the line...even if in doing so we may feel more stretched, possibly more uncomfortable..but in real love and real truth I believe we find something more powerful than what we ever could have anticipated..and these are the types of interactions I now desire, and seek amongst the ones I hold dear.

So how am I, that's a tough question to answer?  I think of her CONSTANTLY, her infectious laugh, her humor, her beauty, her smell...I put on a sweater that hadn't been washed the other day and Katie was the last person to have worn it...her scent was all over it..and while this was such a gift it was also something I was not ready for and I nearly fell to the ground in an instant... I miss her voice both speaking and singing my goodness BOTH were not of this world, so delicate, wraspy, airy, just plain unique and beautiful.  The way she made our children laugh, or me she never took herself too seriously..how perfectly she loved, how much she loved LOVE,  her energy and zest for life, nothing was wasted on her--and why her..why us -- we would not have wasted this life together not a moment we LOVED loving one another and I just can't figure it out, but even all the answers to all the questions I have would make missing her less piercing to my soul.  This is a person I never grew tired of in life, and even in death she's always there...always in the background...which makes for an almost cloudiness in my daily routine..I find now I have a terrible memory...I tell people the same thing 2 or 3 times..whole conversations...I misplace things everyday...my keys, my cell phone, my debit card...luckily I've not misplaced either of the children..yet... 

This is such a crazy thing to maneuver, this life now.  Sometimes it feels as if some quality about everything in life is lost -- the world is a little duller, less vibrant, less colorful..but I accept this suffering and and I am suffering in it -- not one to run and hide under some rock or put my head in the sand, but rather to be one who runs head first embracing each emotion felt during this time (for which they are all over the board).  Trying to learn, and feel, and question and most importantly to evolve and become better to change who I am at the core of my person.  

All the while my interactions with others...some of my closest friends have retreated into themselves...not communicating at all..and this is fascinating to me.. something I could have never predicted..while others the ones who were always in the background have just stepped up to be these remarkable people..who if asked will carry me at any moment of any hour..and who challenge me with being so honest about their own feelings and anger and grief.  This thing called grief..my how I have found it to be so intriguing..I never invited it into my life..never dreamed it would befall me and my family but it is and has and I am still trying to piece it all together.  I'm nearly finished reading a book by C.S. Lewis called "A Grief Observed" (thank you Robbie and Dana) to which he says "only torture will bring out the truth only under torture does one discover it for themselves" and so me and my tortured self we press on trying to find the truth in ways I never dreamed I would understand it.  

Don't get me wrong don't miss what I said earlier...I press on.  I still live..If anything this has led me to want more for my life..to not accept mediocrity in any form..so IN GRIEF even in grief I am inspired and moved and I get up each day yearning to learn and to be changed because who knows when my own time could be up.  And so it is.  

I'd say that's enough for my first blogging experience...I look forward to pouring out more words in the near future..in the meantime I'll keep moving forward..