Refining and Becoming

I must admit, I've had a hard couple of days. Lately I've felt so heavy with grief I can just not get my head or more specifically my heart ahead of it. I think, as ironic as it may sound, Halloween was the trigger. It was a holiday Katie truly enjoyed..it was so fitting to her crazy, zany personality. She recalled being young, how her dad would play spooky music and was "the scary" house on the street. She wanted so badly for our own home, in Ohio, to be this same place. She downloaded the scariest music she could find, brought her ENORMOUS sound system to the front porch and took to the mic...NOT in her usual manner but rather she would drudge up the scariest voice she could find to lure children to our front porch. What is HYSTERICAL about all of this is that after our first Halloween on S. Huron we realized our street was not visited by ANYONE. LUCKY for us our friend lived on THE most visited street in the neighborhood, so Katie quickly set up shop there....EVEN better there were bushes to hide in and SHAKE at this house, so Katie had found her Halloween calling. Many children were scared, and that pleased Kate to no end, it is a memory that even today makes me laugh as I recall her antics.

We moved away to New Jersey shortly after Halloween 2006, and soon thereafter this disease reared it's ugly head. We faced many MANY trials from May - October in 2007. Katie completed 7 1/2 weeks of radiationt treatment at the end of September, and by mid October was feeling better than she had in some time. We chalked it up to being no short of a miracle, and praised God daily as her strength returned at an amazing pace. The picture above is our family during Halloween last year. As I stare at this photo I feel so much. Tears, well up in my eyes, and sometimes just won't quit. I am in awe at what a difference a year can make. This time last year was so filled with promise, and hope, and we were strong. Katie was getting better everyday, and while I CHERISH (beyond belief) the months of good health we had throughout all of the holiday's last year, I can't believe the contrast of where I find myself this year, and this picture above simply digs that dagger of sorrow in a little further.

I had a fantastic time trick or treating with our son Aiden this year, he was marvelous, what a perfect age. I found a street just a few short blocks away where every house put up amazing decorations and everyone in each family was dressed up and participating with as much excitement and eagerness as Katie would have. It was bitter but it too was sweet, she would've loved every moment of it all and I thought of her the entire way.

I don't write all of this to be a downer or to make anyone feel uncomfortable. There are no words of comfort when you feel at your lowest...there just aren't. For me, what has proven to help the most is just writing, just venting, just having the freedom to throw it all out there and say "take if for what it's worth", there's no one I'm trying to impress, no one I'm afraid to offend or upset. The BEST tid-bit of advice I have receivd thus far was this:

Take care of yourself
No one can feel your pain so don’t worry about them.
Just do whatever, spend whatever, and go wherever you want.
Never mind what people think.
*thank you Kerri-Lynne

I know I am in the process of being refined, of "becoming" and while it BURNS and it hurts, and I wish for the brighter days, I do know they will come..there will be a time..it is just not yet...and the holidays well they only seem to make the pain worse...but my head is up, my feet are on the ground, and the boys and I we just keep marching on!